The sparkly princess in me

As you’ve probably realized by now, I have mental issues.  I started out with depression and OCD, and the new diagnosis is bipolar disorder.  I’ve spent years wearing two changes of identical clothing, not able to muster the energy or desire to wash myself and obsessively into playing video games and reading fan fiction to keep my mind occupied and off of the topic of my persistent misery, for which I could see no cure.

There is a cure.  It’s cannabis and meditation.  And possibly mood stabilizers.  We’ll have to see how that goes.

The result of the cure is that I’ve opened up and started growing as a person again.  One of the ways I’ve opened up is that I’ve started desiring pretty things.  As my husband puts it, I’ve discovered my inner 12-year-old and she likes pink.  (And peach and gold, and all things bright and jewel-toned.)

I started out on Polyvore (, a site where you can pick things you like from all sorts of stores and price ranges and save your choices.  Like Pinterest (My Sparkly Princess board) but in store format.  I found a few things I liked and saved them.  I had no intentions of buying them.  It was simply a step I was taking — want nicer things in my life.  Have dreams and desires, rather than confining myself to shapeless garments.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with confining oneself to shapeless garments if you so choose.  If that’s what you want, I’m all for you having it.  But my husband dressed to a better standard and, if I admitted it to myself, I wanted to as well.  I just didn’t see the point.)  Now I’ve come back to life and I’m indulging the 12-year-old girl in me.

I also looked into hobbies which might help me pursue my interests, hopefully so I could partake in them without breaking the bank on lots of new things which I didn’t need.  I tried some fashion design software, and found all of them to be too difficult to use.  But I managed to draw (poorly), the perfect outfit for me.  A dark red jacket with flared sleeves and a high collar, that hugs the torso and then flairs at the waist, covering a white shirt that also hugs the waist, over a pair of dark leggings.  With boots.  It’s the outfit my inner self puts on before she goes off to adventure.

The day before yesterday my mother found a coat for me for Christmas and asked me if I liked it before she bought it.  It’s red, with flared sleeves, a high collar, hugs the torso and flairs at the waist.  It’s the perfect jacket for my inner sparkly princess.

If I could have one piece of my dream outfit, then surely it would be possible to have the rest of it as well?  I found all three pieces, and for under $100.  I could add jewelry for $40.  I immediately went and asked my husband if I could have it (as we live on a diminished income) and he was okay with it.

I get to be a sparkly princess!  I’m so happy!  It’s almost like being a real person!

I’m torn inside about the notion of spending money on myself.  If two interchangeable outfits (with a sweater and gloves for winter) is enough, then why spend more?  Surely the money could be used for better purposes.  After all, the more you have, the more you want and the more you want, the more suffering you cause yourself.  And the satisfaction of wanting and buying is much greater than the satisfaction of having, isn’t it?  Better not to get anything.

And yet, there’s a hidden message that goes with those kind of beliefs.  And it is, “I am not worth money being spent on me to help me feel good and attractive.”  This is, I think, the real message I’ve been living with, not, “I will eschew worldly possessions so that others may have more.”  For that reason, and because I’m into trying new things as part of my policy for curing my mental illness, I believe that it is all right to be selfish enough to want to look nice if it genuinely helps my self-esteem issues.  It’s all right to want to be a sparkly princess.  Just keep it affordable.


Bipolar disorder: the new diagnosis

As you may be aware from my earlier posts, I stopped taking all of my anti-depressants back in late July-early August.  I discovered what cannabis and meditation could do for my mental health and found that the combination of the two worked better than the anti-depressants ever had.

Then a few weeks ago, an uncontrollable burst of emotions hit me and I ended up in tears over my worthlessness, unable to stop, even with the encouragement of my loved ones.  It took a sleeping pill and a good night’s sleep to cure it.  My husband insisted that I start taking my anti-depressants again.  I refused, because I didn’t think it would help, but agreed to see my doctor.  She told me to take one of the cocktail I had been ingesting up until then and referred me to an expert on psychology.

Now, you may also be aware from my previous posts, that I never got along with psychologists or psychiatrists.  I over-intellectualize my emotions and I sound like I know what I’m talking about, but am bad at dealing with the reality of those emotions.  I had been told in the past that I seemed well-adjusted given the trauma in my past and that, while I might be an assertive woman, there was nothing wrong with that and my bouts of anger were normal.  There was no disagreement with the initial diagnosis of clinical depression, although obsessive-compulsive disorder was added to it.

Then I saw the psychiatric nurse.  We had a good conversation.  I warned her of my tendency to talk a good game about my emotions and my inability to walk the walk, so to speak.  I think my forays into cannabis and meditation helped, because I was able to admit to some of the more “out there” episodes that I’ve had where I’ve behaved in ways that seemed erratic and even “crazy” to my normal self.  I was able to be honest in a way that I had never been to previous doctors and therapists because of the changes that using cannabis and practicing meditation had made in the way I see the world and myself.

She diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed a mood stabilizer.

Did you know that cannabis is considered to be a natural mood stabilizer?  Omega-3 fatty acids are considered to have some effect on stabilizing mood, and cannabis sativa (along with flax seeds) contains the highest amount available.  Apparently, I lucked on the right treatment all on my own.

Since then, the mood stabilizer has left me restless and unable to concentrate for long periods of time as I’m used to do.  I spoke to the nurse and she said that this is normal and that I’d get used to it.  This seemed threatening to me until I realized that the desire to interact with others and the environment is normal for most people.  That most people don’t fall in love with ideas in the same way that other people fall in love with people.  That wanting to do something physical to tire yourself out is also normal.  The mood stabilizer is making me more normal, not less me.  It’s been a pain getting adjusted to the new way of being, but it’s also kept me distracted.  When I’m distracted, I don’t brood.  Brooding leads to depression.

I feel both free and amused.  Free to live a life without being miserable most of the time, and amused that I stumbled across the solution before I even knew what the problem was.

Covert narcissism: I has it.

As some of you may have noticed, I’ve been going through a healing process in the past two months.  I suffered from depression for some thirty years and in July, discovered a cure through the combined power of cannabis pills and meditation.  Presto, happiness.

In the time since then, I’ve discovered that I’m also a narcissist.  Apparently this comes as a surprise only to me.  I never thought I was; I’m at the center of my own existence, but isn’t everyone?  Also I hated myself.  What kind of narcissist hates themselves?

Apparently there is a name for that.  And it’s covert narcissism. Covert narcissism is something that happens largely to victims of narcissists.  It’s viewed by some as another form of narcissism and by others as a defense against narcissism.

I’ve done a little searching on the web, trying to find resources on what to do next.  I have some ideas of where to go from here, but I wouldn’t turn down a road map.  Instead of help, I’ve found that narcissism is largely considered to be untreatable and that it is considered abusive and even demonized.

To quote one such article:

“I have to be realistic too, and not dismiss the tragic possibility that a narcissist can want to change, but have no hope at all of it actually happening. All I can do is pray that God will step in and help them find their way to the light. I pray for them every day, as well as the more numerous people they have victimized.” (

Given that the article is purportedly about me and people like me, I find its conclusions depressing.

I know that, as many of you have probably been victimized by narcissists or those with their personality traits (not all are genuine narcissists), you may have no patience for a defence of narcissism, but hey, I’m the covert narcissist.  I’m going to write about me anyway.  At least here maybe showing you what it feels like to be me might do someone some good.  I’m also going to share my conclusions on what has helped to heal me and where I think I need to go from here.  (Other than to a therapist.  The one thing that the articles do have right, at least about me, is that therapists and narcissists do not mix.  I talked circles around all of mine and they ended up praising my level of adjustment.  Which, no.  Wrong.)

What it’s like to be me.  I am a covert narcissist.  I have aspects of myself that I like and I am willing to shout those to the world and use them to win arguments.  I also hate myself far more thoroughly than any other person is likely to, regardless of circumstances.  I feel a good death for myself would be to starve to death just out of the reach of food, given only enough to stay alive and thus stretching out the death.  (Yes, I get bonus narcissist points for being Evil to myself.  If you can’t win big, lose big.)

I do care about other people, but I can’t stand to interact with them.  I would happily donate my time to charity if I could do so without having to deal with people.  I feel driven to help the world, to save people from suffering and I want to do it with words because I know I’m lousy at it with actions.  I also know that I’ll fail.  This knowledge comes from my narcissism and my profound belief that I am not good enough.  (Some reading I’ve done, particularly Joe Ala’s answer here:, suggests that this is because I learned that, to please my parents, I had to be the good girl.  And I can see that.  Other reading ( suggests mirroring as a possibility.  That, in reaction to my father’s anger and abuse, I decided I needed to become my mother, a wholly passive perfect force of love.  I see some truth in both points of view.

I take shameless advantage of those who remain close to me, but as one is the wholly passive perfect force of love, she doesn’t mind and in fact, considers it as ‘something to do’ and the other is a sociopath and so would love me even if I decided to start doing something reprehensible like running for office.  I do not require any9one to pay attention to me and I respect free will.  If someone says ‘No’ to me, that means ‘No’ to me.  I do not, or try not, to take anything from anyone else that they are not willing to give to me.  I have a hard time even asking for help; imposing is a step further than I’m willing to go unless I’ve previously received consent.  And even then I’ll worry that I overstepped my boundaries.  Yes, everything I do is about me, but you don’t have to listen.  I will take everything you say personally.  I don’t know how not to.  Be grateful this isn’t a bad day.  On bad days, I take the movement of clouds personally and believe in synchronicity and the universe sending me messages.

What changed me.  As I said, I discovered what cannabis combined with meditation could do for me. It made me feel happy and I started taking it on a regular basis.  I found that I was happy whenever I was under the influence and that my emotional state was delicate without it.  I moved between three emotional states: sadness (the emptiness my negative self-image sends me), wariness (fear) and acceptance brought about by busying myself with a purpose that I approved of.  If I didn’t keep myself busy, I was sad or afraid.  My husband then suggested that I take a lower dose constantly.  This was difficult at first because it conflicted with my image of being good and following rules, but I eventually went with it.  And I’m much happier.  I’ve since realized why.  For me, love is two things: attention and approval.  Normally, I don’t want to pay attention to myself because I think I’m worthless and ugly.  While using cannabis, I like my ideas.  I like my thoughts and I like myself.  I can both pay attention to myself and approve of myself.  I feel that this is an enormous step forward.  If I can learn to like myself, I may be able to stop hurting all the time.  I’m tired of hurting all the time.

Where I think it might useful to go from here.  I’ve identified a few new habits that might be useful.  I could use more, if anyone has any.  The tips I’ve read on narcissism websites have been mostly useless as they assume that I don’t care about others and that doing things for other people would be something new.  I need inner change that sparks outer change.  I already know how to act like a good girl; I need to know how to make myself feel loved.

One practice I have identified as useful is gratitude exercises.  Not only the standard set of exercises where you say what you’re grateful for.  But rather, reverse gratitude.  For example, when I feel at my most depressed and least worthy, I think, “I am unworthy of everything.  Thus everything I receive is a free gift.  Thank you for giving me this gift.”  This helps me feel less insecure about being unworthy.  I don’t think it helps build a sense of worth, but I don’t know how to go about that.  As an exercise, it is effective; it dissolves my feelings of low self-esteem.  Probably in the most narcissistic way imaginable.

I’m also working on dropping the ‘good child’ image.  My current pursuit is to do what feels good and not follow a single rule that I didn’t come up with on my own.  (One of my rules is not to deliberately hurt myself or others, so don’t worry.)  If society or my family or my schooling or other people or religion tells me to do it, I won’t.  Still working at this one, as it’s a lot more difficult to deliberately “be bad” than you might think.

That’s it.  I hope I said something worth listening to.  But probably not. I was, after all, talking about me.

We are musicians and God our conductor

We are all 1s and 0s.  Everything is 1s and 0s.  That is because every last one of us is a particle of light endlessly moving in a spiral.  To an outsider, we are a dot moving in an endless sine wave.  Everything is made up of light and atoms, which are made up of stars moving in an endless sine wave.

We are each a melody, each a language, each a sequence of pi.  The more unique we get, the more static we remove from our melody, the closer we get to God.  The Buddhist concept of attraction and denial are but another form of 1s and 0s, static in our tune.  When we remove them from our melody, we become closer to God.  The better we are ourselves, the more we contribute to the giant symphony.  He is endlessly tuning his instruments, waiting patiently for all of them to be ready so he can begin the grand symphony.  We are freed from this tuning once we come perfectly into tune with ourselves as we are thus capable of making perfect notes and working for God.  Once we’re in tune, we have the choice to wait for the rest of the orchestra and do as we please while we wait or to help the others to get into tune as well.

God is the tuning fork, setting out the perfect vibration that is love.  It’s our duty to match the note, in whatever voice we choose to play it.  We can do it by learning to play and playing pieces with others or by directly tuning our instruments with intense, painful sounding screeching.  Both methods are equally valid.

When we can play music that sounds good, it makes us happy.  We are also made happy by things that sound good as well as songs that play in tune with ours.

What gets us out of tune and makes us discordant is trying to listen to the whole symphony at once.  All of the different pieces being played at the same time as those directly tuning their instruments is painful to listen to up close.  The more sound we let in and listen to can damage us, especially if our hearing is acute.  Just listening to the discord can harm you.  You have to learn the skill of tuning in, listening to only which input is good for you or learn to stop listening to others altogether and concentrate entirely on the true note.

When you stop listening to the true note, then you have a much much lower chance of getting back into tune.  The true note is love.  Parents encourage and support the child’s remembrance of the true note.  Until the child learns to hear the note for themselves, they are essentially crippled.  Anything should be done that allows someone to hear the note.  Separation from the note is the true sickness and can lead to terrible music that reflects the soul’s separation from God.  Correcting that, showing people who are out of tune the true note is the real meaning of love and charity.

Some reasons that we don’t like a person is because we don’t like their music, because they aren’t making music just noise, because they’re too different from us and too loud, or because we sense our grasp of the note and the melody is fragile and want as little unchosen interference as possible.

Playing our melody back to us is one way people initiate friendship.  It can trick us into thinking we’re their soulmate, but a soulmate is not someone playing the same melody, but rather someone whose melody slides perfectly into harmony with ours.  Many people may form a harmony with us, but as we’re all 1s and 0s, two is the perfect number for a duo.  Larger groups are possible, but the more voices you add, the more you have to sing as one or all be tuned to the right note.  Groups of people all engrossed in the perfect note, whether churches or groups of those who all love the same things must be rapturous occasions.  Perfecting our melody draws other people in because they sense part of themselves in it.  They sense in you what you sense in nature, in beauty, in anything that reminds you of a higher power.  An echo of the perfect note and the melody of the mother and what the symphony of God might sound like when played in full.

We often learn to play by copying other’s tunes.  We build self-confidence in our tune by hearing it reflected in other’s tunes.  However, in hopes of hearing our tune or something that reminds us of our tune and thus gives us hope, we can open ourselves too wide and invite in the disharmony that is the entire orchestra practicing at once.

There is nothing wrong with the disharmony so long as no one is purposefully out of tune with the true note.  Disharmony in terms of cacophony is normal.  Better, because the more variations in the melodies, the easier it is for a musician to hear something that inspires or matches them.

We are attracted to those with perfect looks, perfect voices and perfect bodies because we sense that they have the physical in tune.  Unfortunately that does not mean that they have the mental or emotional in tune.  The more areas you have in tune, the closer you get to your melody and perfect sound.  Well body, mind and heart is not just a saying.  It’s the indication of someone who has mastered the three areas of life.  Your soul is the gestalt of all three.  Those who have done so have mastered the playing of the melody, they have mastered the reading of and knowledge of the music and of the note and they have mastered the instrument.  You have to have all three elements, but you also have to put all three elements together and actually play your song.

Play your song, knowing that you are the player and that you have completed your duty to the orchestra and that you now have a choice.  You may lay your instrument down now or continue onward.  If you continue onward, you can continue adding to your own melody or aid others in perfecting theirs.  Both choices are valid and are based on a person’s desire to do so and on their knowledge of what’s right for them.  Those who are creative or focused on the mind often want to add to their melody.  Whether they choose to play this melody so that others may hear is their own choice.  They may play or continuing creating.  It’s up to them.  The other path of a musician who has mastered their melody is different.  They may choose to teach others how to hear the true note or how to play their instruments.  They may practice with other musicians and take on their melodies for a while.  Or they might imitate the perfect note and play scales on it until a player begins to match it and hear the truth in it himself.  All ways are valid.  We all contribute to the great symphony so long as we are in tune, but we make it more beautiful by helping others discover and perfect their own songs.  Every voice, so long as it is in tune, may all sing the same melody in the great symphony and it will still be played

Trying new things and new activities is a way of discovering your inner melody and learning to play parts of it that you were otherwise having to improvise.  Mastering those activities you’re most interested in is a way of polishing parts of the melody that you thought you’d made up but which were simply missing parts of you that you needed to discover.

Knowing your melody increases your ability to play it, but unless you play it, you never improve it.  You increase your knowledge by learning, you increase your ability to play by doing.

Tips for happiness

My tips for happiness build on what I’ve said before about Being Selfish.  I’ve repeated and expanded them below.

  1. Treat yourself as a friend. You may not even like yourself very much right now.  But you can still act in ways that will help you.  To do this, you need to treat yourself as kindly and sympathetically as you would your best friend.
  2. Be honest with yourself.  You know what you really want if you take the time to think about it.  Stop trying to deny how you really feel and admit it when you need something.
  3. Take care of yourself.  Eat when you’re hungry, sleep when you’re tired, drink when you’re thirsty, change your posture when you’re in pain, get up and walk around every so often.
  4. Treat yourself. Have a Diet Coke instead of tea.  Have a dessert when it’s only time for lunch.  Get a softer, fuzzier blanket to wrap up in.
  5. Pursue activities that make you happy, no matter how silly.  Watch kid’s TV.  Listen to music.  Read comics.  Write fan fiction.  Look at beautiful scenery.  Dance by yourself.
  6. Dream up better futures for yourself.  Be wild, be imaginative, be crazy.  Make your dreams whatever you want.  They don’t have to be possible, only exciting.
  7. Plan for the future.  Decide how you can get as much as you want of what you want in your life.


There is also another stage, but this should only be gone into once you’re happy and capable of remaining that way on your own.

  1. Find out what you’re good at.  This could be writing, cooking, talking to people, singing, puppet shows, or anything at all.
  2. Find out what you love doing that gives you a sense of purpose.  This differs from what you’re good at, as we’re not looking at a talent, but rather what activity pleases you most and makes you feel fulfilled when you do it.  I enjoy explaining things, especially in terms of metaphors or comparisons.
  3. Find out what you care about.  This could be your vision of the future, or God, or religion in general.  Mine is improving other people’s understanding, particularly of what’s important in life.
  4. Put them all together.  When you combine them, you find out what makes you special.  You discover your gift which you can then use to help others.
  5. Continually use, practice and improve your gift.  Once you find out what it is that you can do, do it.  Using your gift can be a great source of joy.


The reason why I believe it should be done in this order is covered in what I said about Sharing is Not Caring, although from a different angle.  I think we pick up the concept of unselfishness young.  Too young often to have first picked up the ability to be happy on our own.

One way to look at the right order of selfishness and unselfishness is religion.  Jesus said it best in the Greatest Commandment, Matthew 22:36–40 when he said “Love God and love one another”.  That is the commandment of unselfishness and love right there.

However, for improved understanding by people like me who have a self-worth disorder, I think this would be better read as “God loves you, so therefore, love God, love yourself and love others, all as he has loved you.”

I won’t go into the Bible here as I know it’s a polarizing topic.  However, I can relate those words to the Bible if anyone wants more clarification on why I think they’re true.  Those words make up my prescription for a happy life: Show love to what made us, show love to ourselves and then we’ll be able to show love to others.

Heart tree

Sharing is not caring


By teaching children to share and be unselfish, we may also be teaching them to give away what makes them happy. Are we teaching depression?

One of the fundamentals that we try to teach our children is to share what they have with others and to give unselfishly of what they have.  This may be a big mistake.  One of the things we try to teach our children may be the most self-destructive message they ever receive.

Sharing is caring.  This is a common phrase and is meant with good intentions.  You’re meant to believe that, if you share something with others, then both of you are satisfied.  Sharing something means that you’re both happy and thus happiness increases.  Isn’t that wonderful?  Isn’t that something that we want even our children to know?

No.  It isn’t.  Why is that?  Because it doesn’t work out that way.

When a child is playing with a toy and is enjoying himself and another child wants that toy, what do we do?  We tell the first child that he needs to share and, if necessary, force him to give up what he wants so that someone else can have it too.  What does that really teach?  That if you’re happy with something, truly happy with it and enjoying it, it will be taken away from you and given to someone else to make them happy.  That your parents or caretakers are doing it sends the message that those who are supposed to love you don’t want you to be happy.  No, they would rather make someone else happy than you.  Your happiness is not important to them.

Not a good message, I hope you agree.  A very sad one, in fact.

Worse still is when the child internalizes the message and begins acting on it.  Sharing is caring.  The happiness of others is more important than mine.  They give away their toys.  They stop getting attached to any one thing, because it’s hard to value something you know you’ll lose, and start not just allowing others to take what they want, but also giving others pieces of their own happiness.  Because sharing is caring.  Being unselfish is good.  It means love. And the way to get approval from their parents is to give away their happiness to others.

The lesson we take away from this, all the way to adulthood, is that our happiness is less important than the happiness of others.  When we start to prioritize others, we lose our sense of the importance of our own selves.  And we are important.  We should be important.  But we forget that, little by little or all at once, and thus lose our sense of self-worth.  This is disastrous.  Taken to an extreme, we can feel as though we have no right to happiness and that any love we receive should be given away in hopes that it will make us worthy of being loved.

This belief is the very heart of depression.  “I don’t deserve to be loved.  I am unworthy.”  These are the things that a depressed person feels deep down to be true.  And they have been learned very early indeed.  Sharing is caring.  Give away your happiness.  You will be approved of if you stop crying and smile when someone else is given what you value.

The only cure that I know of is to learn to be selfish.  To give to yourself what your parents tried to take away and what you’ve learned is wrong.  Show happiness to yourself.  Cling to it.  Value it.  Make yourself happy.  And don’t share unless you have enough for others.  Be happy yourself.

So please, don’t teach that sharing is caring.  Because what it really is is destructive.  It’s the caretakers sacrificing the happiness of one child to get the other child or children to shut up.  It also teaches those other children bad habits — if I cry and complain, I get what I want and need.  Sharing is caring is a bad practice all around.  Stop sharing.  If you get what you need, hold onto it with both hands.  That is the real secret.

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Tantric sex = Buddhist toilet training?


This is an entry I will possibly update with new information as it becomes available.  Or I may write a whole new article at that point.  It depends.  Nonetheless, the following information are my instructions/description of how to give yourself an orgasm without touching yourself or having anyone else touch you.

Some warnings: If you have shame as any part of your kinks, try to avoid using your kinks as fantasy to get off harder.  You will end up bringing up bad shit and possibly loving yourself a little less.  Using sex to purge your pain is an advanced topic and not one I’m going to discuss today.  Be satisfied with loving sex without kink.

Also you’ll want to have some towels or a pad across the waist level of whatever surface you’re using.  I prefer the bed, but this can also be done sitting up.  This is because a really good performance of this technique will cause you to relax many of the muscles you normally keep tight.  Accidents happen!  At least until you study tantric sex and can relax your pelvic muscles entirely while on the pot.  Mini-orgasm every time you pee!  Tantric sex could really be the equivalent of toilet training for Buddhists.

This technique builds on what I’ve said about chakra breathing. You need to be aware of which areas of the body are meant when I say their name.  Crown/brain, third eye/head, throat, heart, sternum, stomach, sacral (male/female sexual organs), root (ass).  You also need to take proper breaths.  For best results, these should be long, deep and slow until your body starts demanding that you pant.  You also need to be aware of the typical breathing pattern.  This is inhale, hold your breath, exhale.  Then restart the cycle by inhaling again.  Typically you would follow the breath up through the body from the stomach as you inhale, then hold it as it passed through the throat, then exhale as it reached the third eye.  You may breathe in any rhythm that feels comfortable once you get caught up in things, but this is the best pattern to start from.

In this exercise, your body forms an hourglass.  Whether you sit in a chair, lie face down or face up on a bed or find some other position is of no concern.  You want to spread you legs, as the position allow you to draw in greater energy through the root and sacral chakras.  As you get full of the energy, you want to tighten it into a rope, narrowing and funneling it upward through the stomach, the sternum and the heart until it bursts out in the throat, third eye or crown chakras and is let out of the body.  You then repeat this, only in a downward direction.  You want to cycle the energy back through your body, drawing in all the love and goodness of the universe and down through the body to the root chakra.

While this breathing is occurring, you want to use your hips and thighs to rock your body as though you’ve got an invisible partner you’re moving in time with.  Feel this person inside of you or you inside of them depending on your personal equipment/imagination.  Use your muscles to swirl around or massage the imaginary intruder.  Squeeze down as tight as you want and thrust as deep or hard as you want.  In fact, part of the orgasm process is taking in all of the outside energy and squeezing it down into as small a ball as possible inside then flinging it suddenly upward through the body and out the crown chakra.  Once you’ve done that, you reverse the flow back down, moving onto practicing a slow relaxation where the muscles let go of their tension, taking as long as necessary, opening up again before the next inhalation of energy, this time through the root chakra.  These two phases are alternated as long as the person wants until they can’t take it any longer and have to orgasm.  To amplify the feelings, tense as much of your body as possible when in the inhalation stage, and relax the muscles as much as possible when in an exhalation phase.  (Exhalation and inhalation referring of course to the contract and expansion of the combined root/sacral chakras.)

Panting or a variation of lamaze breathing might be useful if getting enough air becomes an issue as it most likely will at this stage.  Unless you have more control than I do, it most likely nearly always will.

This is also the stage where sexual fantasies begin to take life.  Remember to stick with loving fantasies, not kinky ones.  Imagining the perfect lover — the person who loves you the most perfectly as well as fits all your fantasies about looks and personality — can help at this stage if you haven’t already done so.  Wrapping your arms around a pillow or a heaped up blanket can stand in for clutching the lover as this is a similar sensation.

Often after a typical orgasm, I feel either in pain from too much physical stimulation or at least partially unsatisfied, but unable to so much as pee on my own because the muscle is still so tight, never fully relaxed and I have to wait — painfully — until it finally does relax back to normal.  After the type of orgasm I describe above, the only concern I’ve had is the embarrassment of wetting the bed (or my pants) way after I’ve been toilet trained.  My body is perfectly relaxed and I’m able to use the toilet with no problem or pain.

Why doesn’t everyone know about this?




I could be a star

I am scared of turning my back on my suffering.  I want to cling to it.  I want to cling to the lessons it taught me.  To let go of it is letting go of myself.  It is fear.  It is frightening.  It’s better to believe in the love I have now and its continuance than it is to believe in the pain.  I shouldn’t forget the pain or the lessons it taught me, but I should stop believing in it as real and present.  The pain is over now.  I have love now and I know how to be happy.  It is time to live in that love and be that person.  The loved girl. The special girl.  The most important girl in the universe.  It is her time to shine.  I have been a planet.  I could be a star.


Help/good things mantra

Yet another of my mantras, this one on asking for help and accepting good things from others.

I have a right to be helped.
I have a right to ask for help.
I have a right to ask for help even if I’m really deep down afraid that I’m complaining.
I have a right to complain.
I have a right to speak up.
I have a right to say anything I feel is true.
I have the right to let the world know how I feel.
I can feel the way I feel.
It is all right to have feelings.
It is all right to have feelings and let others see them.
Others may not harm me for having feelings.
Others may love me for having feelings.
I do not know which it will be, but the happiness is worth the potential pain.
I have a right to get what I need to exist.
I have a right to get what I need to thrive.
It’s okay for me to give what I need to live excellently.
It’s all right for my needs and wants and desires to be filled.
I do not have to turn down things that I need or things that I want or things that I desire.  I may say yes if they come into my life.
I will say yes if good things come into my life.